After sunset
Do you find sunsets beautiful? What kind of a question is this right? Often when we see it, we enjoy it, we take out our phone and try to capture it, to preserve the moment. But once there was this moment where I didn’t find it beautiful but very terrible instead.
The sun had set. I was looking at the long range of hills, behind which it had set a few moments ago. Many times we see, sunsets are orange, shining at its very last hours but today it was red, very red. It seemed like the sky had bled. The clouds which used to glimmer with tiny bits of them floating in the sky had turned very dark today. There was this single big chunk of it covering the whole sky above me. It had silver lining but it was very dark in the middle. It was not beautiful. I stared at the sunset, I stared at the hills and then my heart started to feel heavy. Was it my inability to find the beauty in it that day or was it just one of the really bad days of life? I couldn’t figure it out and I literally felt nauseous.
Sunset marks the end. End to all the dynamic things, all the beautiful moments that happened during the day. But that's not all. It slowly gets darker and darker and reminds us the night is yet to come. I was scared, how will I spend the night, alone in the darkness. (And don’t say just sleep coz that's another messed up thing in life lol.) It was getting darker. I could see lights far ahead in the foothills. But they weren’t beautiful either. They just reminded me how far away I was from any of those lit house, alone and distant from any brightness around me. It was getting colder. Its October. As the time passed by, I could feel cold breeze blowing right into my face. Every time I attempted to warm myself up in some way, I got hit by gusts of wind. Why did it had to be like this? I questioned myself.
I came to my home and I listened to “Epic sitar in a Thunderstorm” a classical instrumental music in Sitar. It is based on Raag Miya ki Malhar which embodied rain and thunder. I closed my eyes listening to it. This raag in particular is meant to be listened in monsoon but it didn’t matter as I was stupidly in state all the seasons at the same time in my mind, vaguely confused. In this dhoon, Sitar was continuously playing throughout and every time the strings were plucked a jolt of emotions would run through me, a vajra. As this raag embodies rain and thunder and it is powerful enough to induce that similar emotions into a person. At that moment I felt thunderstorms in my head and it was a sad one I guess. I would see bright flashes and loud bangs and each jolts would bring even stronger state of sadness into my mind. Along with it, the rain definitely started to pour, from my eyes I would say. Now although it seem too stupid to use such analogy to justify my sadness, I am a great believer of music and I think that you experience manifestations if you believe strong enough in things. So maybe it was Raag Miya ki Malhar manifesting itself into my emotions and bringing more chaos into my mind. Or I just don’t know what happened. Anyway I shouldn’t have listened to that stupid music. It’s just how the day turned out, how the evening was. That sad and terrible sunset, the long dark night which was yet to come. It was just everything all at once.
