What It Actually Is?

Tremors, heartaches, palpitation, but how easy it is for people to say “kina eti dherai sochya k?”. People don’t get it, do they? I see people as hypocrites, not having slightest clue what it’s like. I am not here to share optimism but the opposite. The truth, that feels so bitter. You cry for help, you express, you say malai gaaro vairaxa aile, tara do people care to ask what’s up. Time and again people won’t hesitate to just tell you about the work they need help with. And you being a gullible piece of shit, who won’t stop pleasing people, can’t able to say, no will just go on to do it.

There’s this threshold. Threshold of your morals and your principles and then your obligations or need that you must meet that threshold. And people, well people will tell you to give up on your principles, lower that threshold to tell you to do what they want. How can I not do what I really believe in, how can I go lower than what I think I should be doing upto?

Now, you might say just cut the people, just don’t work with such people but being a social animal it doesn’t work like that. Ajha being in a place where collectivism is valued more than one’s individuality, it’s really difficult. There are layers to it. Being already that person who had no friends, who yearns for it, one can’t really say, one can’t really stop doing this.

But how would the privileged you understand this? Surrounded by people and enough friends from your childhood already. People need to know how much common the suicidal thoughts actually are. It’s called passive suicidal ideation. It is a tendency of having the desire to die and be hopeless but without any plans to execute. Totally not a normal thing in a person.

Sometimes there’s this feeling of helplessness with people. You are there for your friend in need but you feel the inability to help. Let me assure you that is so okay. You just have to be there, just say hi and how you are doing. There are instances however where people feel burdened to just check on people or just to take a time and listen. And those people need to go away.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and I am sorry to write these things but I already said I am not here to give you cheap optimism or be an armchair expert. World is harsh, it will be very cruel to you. You are very much on your own. I wish it was better. I wish there was better support system, I wish people took their time to listen to things. I wish we weren’t stuck having small talks and not bring up what’s going on. I wish people understood what it is. I wish people weren’t hypocrites. But many times it is about acceptance of bitter ideas. I guess accepting becomes easier than to think of dying.